silveryscrape (silveryscrape) wrote,

Read this. Read. Holy shit.

Well, it's come to my attention that I must work the 24th and 25th, so my darling sesa writer, please don't angst if I don't feed you right away. I'll definitely read my story (my story, MINE) when I get home from work that night, but if that night is anything like last night I won't be up for much more than that, and certainly not for actually, like, putting my feelings into words or anything that hard.

Glad I didn't put anything off till the last minute with my own story. Didn't get home until after 9 pm last night.

Okay, it was my own fault. Three reaaaaalllly sick people, and one of them clearly falling down for the last time, but the family was bound and determined she'd suddenly open her eyes and be well and tell them "what're y'all staring at??" So I spent a LOT of time talking about it to them all, together and severally and on the phone and in the hall and at the bedside, asking them what they wanted for her and what she might have wanted if she could say, and that was hard and draining but I got them from OMG WHAT CAN WE DO NOW THERE MUST BE SOMETHING to stopping the antibiotics and finger pokes for the blood sugars and we took off the torture device of a facemask that was blowing oxygen practically straight into her brain. When I left they were sitting around her bed, crying and talking.

So yeah, I did ALL my charting after my shift, and I got a taste of what the night shift does for a change, being there so late, and man, I'm kind of jealous. No doctors and assistants and PT and OT and RT and family and neighbors and pharmacists and lab techs and transport assistants and nursing supervisors and people, people, aiigh! All asking questions, all the time. It was most peaceful. Too bad I can't stay awake past 11pm.

It occurred to me that in my younger days, when I was afraid of the world and especially people, I could only tolerate about 15-20 minutes of intense interaction before I had to go hole up somewhere and recharge. Now it's up to about 15-16 hrs of really open, involved exchange, letting them in and really being there for them, too, before the sort-of-membrane between the world and my insides gets too numb. Ah! Perhaps that's my answer to northernveil's conundrum about losing friends in the world but not on lj. Lj is a little bit shielded, at least. Not so potent. It's a relief.
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