silveryscrape (silveryscrape) wrote,

Well, I wish I could post that LJ attention whore sob story meme, but, you know.

Morning! I feel rejuvenated after my day spent sleeping and reading. Much naval gazing was accomplished, I've been thinking a lot lately about the nature of meanness, about which I feel qualified to speak. Why am I so mean?

Because I enjoy it so. It's a great failing and a frustration, but the truth is I will almost always choose funny over compassionate, and even when I'm not trying to make a joke at someone's expense, stress and frustration will almost always bring out the nasty in me. Kind of like, if you won't back off, I can find a way to make it happen, an effective defense every time.

Used to drive me nuts, bartending at this one place in Albuquerque. My friend Marjie worked with me, most nights, and we were M&M and loved each other dearly, and she's about the only friend I've ever had where all that other stuff didn't affect the friendship, even when it didn't work out, if you know what I'm saying. Anyway, she could be mean as a snake, just plain rotten to people, insult them to their faces and they'd laugh a little and say "Oh, Marjie" and walk away, and that would be that. No hard feelings, no fall out at all. But I would look sideways at someone once, maybe think some thoughts or something, and they'd shout "Fuck you Mary Collins, I hate you!" and run away, and next thing you know the manager would be shaking her head and grinning and I'd be like "WHAT. Fucking what, already" and I'd have to go apologize.

Where is the justice, I ask?? I'd much rather be taken seriously than get laughed off, and I suppose it's nice to have such power over people's opinions like that, but man, it sucks when you're partially evolved and love the low road as I do. Why can't I just be mean like a snake and get away with it, time and time again? Why? Why do I always realize how nasty I am after the fact, when I see people's reactions, instead of before when I'm typing opening my mouth? These are the questions I ponder.

Then sometimes I wonder what grownups think about, but that really makes my head hurt.

What's new in the world? I see JC is still rocking the short hair, Chris is still MIA, Joey is still married, Lance still goes to every event ever scheduled, and Justin still has parts in 38976 movies that never got released. I miss them. Even though they were verklempt by the time I found them, I still miss them.

Also: I seem to have joined a paranormal research group. Hee! Should be fun. I'll let you know.

eta: edited because I spelled my own name wrong. ahahahahah! oh, god.
Tags: lost people, my thoughts on yaoi, paranormal

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